The True Stories of MS Pilots
by dark.retreat
Summary: [Story 3: Athrun and the Distorted Apple] All Coordinators are extremely talented, due to their enhanced abilities. So why is everyone mocking Athrun's... picture?
1. Kira and the Eight Magic Words

**Disclaimer:**I would like to make an announcement to anyone who reads this. It's important, and concerns important issues. I'd like to say, "I do not own Gundam SEED/Destiny." Understood?

**a/n:** My sister gave my this... interesting idea. Enjoy your reading. It's good for you.

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**Kira and theEight Magic Words**

"All hands, report to Level 1 battle stations!

As usual, ZAFT was interfering with the Archangel's plans. The constant thumping of footsteps was heard throughout the battleship, as people were resuming their positions for a skirmish.

Sending out its few soldiers, which consisted of Ensign Kira Yamato and Lieutenant Mu La Flaga, they prepared for an attack.

"Kira Yamato, let's do it!"

"Mu La Flaga, heading out!"

It was an intense fight between the Le Creuset Team and the Archangel. They were outnumbered, and the opponents being Coordinators didn't make it any easier. The battle had been going on continuously for several hours now, and neither side ceased to fight. It was a fairly even match. Just when Captain Murrue Ramius had devised an escape plan with Lieutenant Badgiruel, there was a request from one of their pilots.

"This is Kira Yamato, pilot of the Strike Gundam. I am requesting to retreat from the battlefield."

Back onboard the Archangel, Miriallia repeated his request.

"Captain, Kira Yamato wishes to retreat from the battlefield!"

Surprised by the sudden request, Murrue Ramius just sat there shocked.

Why would he chicken out now, of all times, she thought.

Quick to respond to the situation, Natarle Badgiruel replied, "No, request denied!"

Receiving the message from Miriallia, Kira continued to persist while fighting off the mobile suits, or rather, Gundams.

"Please, Lieutenant! I am requesting permission to return to the Archangel immediately! I will justify my reasons!"

"No, Ensign Yamato! I am denying your request! What reason could you possibly have that is valid!"

"It is valid, Lieutenant, I assure you! Now, please, let me retreat back to the Archangel! Why won't you let me?"

"Ensign Yamato, Capatin Ramius and I have both devised an escape plan, and it requires you to continue fighting to distract the Le Creuset Team! It is important that you follow our commands!"

"I understand, Lieutenant, but I have a reason!"

"For the last time, Ensign, request denied!"

Natarle Badgiruel was extremely annoyed right now. Kira Yamato had wasted their already restricted time, yet he still continued to talk. Murrue Ramius showed no reaction, still lost in her own thoughts.

By now, tears were beginning to well up in Kira's eyes. With a last cry of frustration, he slammed his fists onto the controls in his cockpit, screaming the following words with all his sincerity and heart.

"BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

There was nothing but silence. Everyone had ceased fire, halted their actions, only hearing the eight words echoing continuously through their minds.

"_BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET!"_

Everyone, including the Le Creuset Team, burst out laughing, with the exception of Lieutenant Badgiruel, who was furious, although she couldn't hold back a smile. His 'reason' had been broadcast over all the spacecraft when he had slammed his fists onto the communication controls inside his cockpit.

Feeling embarrassed, Kira was slowly turning into a deep shade of red.

Still laughing hysterically, Murrue Ramius gave the ok for Natarle Badgiruel to grant his request.

"Alright, Ensign Yamato, you may retreat back to the Archangel to use the bathroom."

Landing back in the Archangel, Kira quickly hopped out of his Gundam and raced for the bathroom. The mechanics crew was laughing so hard they could barely stand up.

Seconds later, Kira ran back out of the bathroom, back to where his Gundam was stationed.

Surprised by how fast he was, Petty Officer Murdoch joked, "I know you're a Coordinator, kid, but I didn't know they could enhance your speed capabilities for using the bathroom!"

"Uh, well, actually… there was no toilet paper."

Silence was present once again, before the entire crew burst in to fits of laughter. Pointing to his right, Murdoch motioned for him to go. Running to said direction, Kira found there was another bathroom, and quickly relieved himself.

Running back to his Gundam once again, Murdoch gave him a wave and yelled, "Hey kid! Next time when we order supplies, I'll make sure to put in an extra order for toilet paper! Just for you!"

Turning back to his crew, he started talking about inventing a 'cockpit toilet', while laughing non-stop. Kira, with his Coordinator abilities, heard this, and turned bright pink.

As he was about to launch off in Strike again, there was a message from ZAFT.

"This is Captain Le Creuset of ZAFT. We are well aware that all military personnel are currently unable to stop laughing. This fight will cease for today. We thank you for your cooperation."

And with that, the skirmish ended.

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**a/n:** How was it? There's more to come, some relating to this chapter, and some not. Reviews are appreciated. (If anybody would like to see Flay cleaning a toilet, you're more than welcome to come back when that chapter is up.) 


	2. Shinn and the Invisible Blazer

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Gundam SEED/Destiny, you wouldn't be watching it.

**a/n: **I feel that this one is not as good, but I like the shower bit. You will see what I mean if you scroll down and read.

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**Shinn and the Invisible Blazer**

"Enemy sighted at two o'clock! All pilots, prepare for take-off!"

Following the usual routine, Lunamaria, Shinn and Rey dashed off into the dressing rooms, changing into their suits. As it was a sudden attack, they had no time to worry about being neat and tidy, although Rey always managed to somehow.

"Lunamaria Hawke, Zaku Warrior, launching!"

"Rey Za Burrel, Zaku Phantom, launching!"

"Shinn Asuka, Core Splendor, launching!"

**…after the battle…**

Back at the change rooms

After being held back in a conversation with new ZAFT Chairman Gilbert Dullindal, Shinn went to change back into his normal military uniform. Deciding to refresh himself with a shower first, he took his toiletries with him.

"FIELDS OF HOPE!"

"There won't be any 'fields of hope' if you continue to sing in the shower like that."

Rey interrupted Shinn's… unique singing, and entered into one of the showers himself.

"Are you implying that my singing is off-key!"

"I never said such a thing."

"Pft. I know what you meant. Like you could sing any better."

"I'd rather not."

"Why? Too scared your singing will be so horrible that it'd smash the glass into a thousand pieces?"

"…"

"Thought so. So don't complain."

And with that, Shinn continued his singing of Fields of Hope.

**…5 minutes later…**

"FIELDS OF HOPE!"

"I'm getting out."

"What?"

"I'm getting out."

"Already?"

"What do you mean, 'already'? It's been about 5 minutes."

"How do you know, smarty pants?"

"Fields of Hope goes about 5 minutes on the original soundtrack."

"Oh…"

"Where's your blazer?"

"Why? It should be near my bag on the bench."

"It's gone."

"What!You sure?"

"Positive."

Shocked by the news, Shinn ran out of the shower with a towel wrapped tightly around his waist. As there was clearly nothing remotely close to his bag, he began searching through it for his ZAFT blazer, hands still dripping wet. A slight shuffling noise was audible.

"Where is it? Where is it? Don't tell me it's really gone!"

Seeing that there was no red blazer, he turned around and stared at Rey darkly. Rey's eyes where cast to the side, away from Shinn. A slight trace of pink was just visible on his cheeks.

"What?"

"You took it, didn't you, Rey!"

Still not looking up, Rey replied, "No, I didn't."

"Then why aren't you taking me seriously! Look at me!"

"No."

Shinn was getting really ticked off now. "Why not!"

Blushing furiously, Rey turned around, only to come face to face with a mirror, reflecting Shinn in the background. Redder still, Rey answered, "Your towel."

"So!"

"It fell off."

Glancing downwards, Shinn found that the towel had indeed slipped off his waist, revealing things that he didn't want to show. Hastily covering himself up once again, he resumed his conversation.

"Um… sorry about that."

"Uh, no problem. It's ok," answered Rey, turning around to face Shinn once again, cheeks still tinted cherry.

"What do you mean, 'ok'! That was not 'ok', you perv!"

"I didn't mean it that way…"

"Anyway, let me check the name tag on your blazer. Just in case."

"Fine…"

After a quick check, they confirmed that it was definitely not Shinn's.

Shortly following this discovery, a series of yells were audible throughout Minerva.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

…and…

"I'VE LOST MY BLAZER!"

…and…

"CAPTAIN GLADYS' IS GONNA KILL ME!"

**…at the Captain's cabin…**

"You're going to have to purchase a new one."

Shinn was now discussing the issue with Captain Talia Gladys, just as Rey had advised him to do so. He had come with the thought that the Captain might be understanding and allow him to borrow or go without a blazer. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

"But it's so expensive! I can't afford to buy another one!"

"I'm afraid that you have no choice about this matter. Rules are rules, Shinn. They're made to be followed."

"And did you promise whoever made up that rule that you would reinforce it?"

"Well… yes. Why do you ask?"

"Don't you know, Captain? Promises are meant to be broken. So why not break this one?"

"No. I will not allow it."

"What's the point in having one anyway? It'd be a waste!"

"It's part of the dress code, Shinn. As long as you're part of ZAFT, you are to wear it on duty."

"What if I join the Earth Alliance?"

"Don't think it will be so easy, Asuka."

"Fine. Then I'll always be off duty."

"Impossible unless you are given permission. I'll make it clear. As long as you're alive, you are to wear the required uniform. Understood?"

Shinn hated to bring the topic up, but for the sake of his money, he had to. It was his last resort. If it didn't work, then…

"Well, who said I was gonna stay alive? I could be dead the next day! Then that would be a real waste."

Captain Gladys was left speechless. Not in shock, but in anger.

"SHINN ASUKA! I WILL NEVER PERMIT YOU TO DIE FOR SUCH AN IDIOTIC REASON! AS YOUR PUNISHMENT, YOU ARE TO STAY ONBOARD FOR A WEEK, AND YOUR ACCESS TO ANY MOBILES SUITS WILL BE DENIED."

A smirk formed on Shinn's face. This meant his would probably be off duty, so he would have an excuse not to wear a blazer. Turning to the door, he was about to exit until the Captain's last comment wiped the smile of his face.

"Instead, you will be on duty, I repeat, ON DUTY, for that time, cleaning the bathrooms aboard this ship."

Silence. Then, all of a sudden, a long, distorted noise was emitted from Shinn's mouth.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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**a/n:** Uh... yeah. I found the ending to be a little... strange. Anyway, next chapter will feature another shower. Cleaner Flay of toilets will appear in the near future... hopefully. 


	3. Athrun and the Distorted Apple

**a/n:** After a long period of laziness, I eventually found the initiative to finish something. Although, right now, this chapter doesn't seem so funny... but you might... I realised last chapter was a bit of a... mess, and wasn't written quite well... hopefully, this one is better, if only marginally... Also, some of the symbols were relunctant to appear when I was editing this, soexcuse the commas, question marks and exclamation marks.

**Disclaimer: **I wonder, if I owned Gundam SEED/Destiny, would I be writing this?

* * *

**Athrun and the Distorted Apple**

"Part of being an elite pilot is to take care of your health, as it is absolutely vital that you keep yourself in top condition to allow for the best results to take action. Nobody can afford to be feeling unwell during such dire circumstances, which is why we are going to revise some nutrition facts today during our spare time."

With all the lethargic activity going aboard the Minerva lately, Talia Gladys, Captain of the Minerva, proposed that the military staff onboard revise the importance of health with the crew, especially the pilots. However, nobody except Athrun Zala was willing to perform the task, as they too were feeling rather lazy. So, as a result, Athrun was revising with some of the younger members on board, which consisted of Shinn, Lunamaria, Meyrin, Vino and Youlan. Rey had been excused from the lesson.

"Firstly, I would like to express the importance of staying alert, especially after tiring work or sleep. It's not acceptable for anybody to be drowsy, as this can result in major problems at crucial times. Coffee is an extremely common method that we use to keep ourselves awake, although if one takes note, it contains caffeine which is not beneficial to your health when consumed in high amounts. That goes for you too, Shinn."

Jerking at the sudden mention of his name, Shinn awoke from his daze, shamefully hiding the large can of coffee underneath his desk. Shinn was constantly seen guzzling coffee in the cafeteria during his meals, be it breakfast or dinner. Sometimes he drank so much, one would wonder whether he was related to Andrew Waltfield or not.

"Although it is not common knowledge, apples are actually much more efficient in waking you up, and are by far healthier, as it contains many of the nutrients our body requires, including fibre and protein. As I'm sure you've heard, 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'."

Too bad being a Coordinator doesn't come with 'daily nutrients'…, thought Vino. Beside him, Youlan yawned loudly, not bothering to stifle it at all. Meyrin, thinking that his actions were inappropriate, turned around and hissed, "Youlan! Athrun-sama is sacrificing his free time to lecture us about staying healthy! Show some respect!"

"Jeez, ok, I was just tired, alright?" replied Youlan.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," continued Athrun. "I understand that you may feel lethargic due to lack of sleep if there is insufficient time, but we have not had to work for the past fortnight, so there is no excuse. If you needed to catch up on sleep, you would've had plenty of time to do so already."

"See? Listening to Athrun-sama could really help you!" scolded Meyrin.

"Yeah. Help us waste our free time…" muttered Shinn.

Snickering, Vino added, "Just because _you_ like Athrun, Meyrin…"

"I do not! Athrun is just a very respectable soldier of ZAFT!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Shut up!"

And with that, Meyrin turned around to face the front, face red from blushing.

"Say, why isn't Rey here?" questioned Athrun.

"Heh. He probably got tired of your constant rants and slept in instead," replied Shinn with a cocky smirk on his face.

"Shinn!" glared Meyrin.

"Actually, I heard he was specifically requested to perform a task for Chairman Dullindal," answered Lunamaria.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, it's supposedly taking place in the Chairman's room," continued Lunamaria.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…What?" inquired Athrun, just a speechless as the rest.

"It's supposedly taking place in the Chairman's room," repeated Luna.

"Well, now that you mention it, I did hear a few noises coming from there not long before I came in here…" added Vino, a sly expression forming on his face.

"Mm, yeah. Rey said that there was something important that he had to attend to first thing in the morning, and you know how early he wakes up," contributed Shinn.

"You just wake up late, Shinn."

"What, 's not as if you don't sleep in like a log, Meyrin!"

"Anyway, I think Rey mentioned something about it having to do with Chairman Dullindal's bed," included Lunamaria, shaking her head at the dispute between Shinn and her sister.

"Hn… how… strange…" commented Athrun. "Usually they wouldn't bother to ask the main crew to perform such a task…"

"Well, it _was_ specifically requested by Chairman Dullindal, so I guess there was a reason for it," said Lunamaria, shrugging her shoulder.

"Guess it's his call. Now, back to the lesson. Would anyone care to give me a recap of the first topic?" asked Athrun, motioning towards the others.

Quick to raise her hand, Meyrin answered accurately once she was given the ok, "The importance of staying alert during all times when awake."

As if to reward her, Athrun directed a smile towards her and replied, "That's right, Meyrin." Blushing hard at his compliment, Meyrin looked down to hide the colour rising in her cheeks. "What is the most common method that is used to resolve this problem, Shinn?"

Grumbling profanities under his breath, Shinn retorted, "Coffee," before guzzling the remainder of the coffee that he hid under his desk.

"Correct," was Athrun's answer, although his face displayed disapproval, mainly due to the fact the Shinn made no effort to stop drinking his coffee at an alarming rate. Turning around to face the whiteboard, Athrun drew a simple picture of a coffee can, clearly labelled with the word 'COFFEE'. "And what is one of the healthier alternatives to coffee?"

"Apple."

Athrun didn't even need to turn around to recognise that cocky voice. No doubt, it belonged to Shinn. Sighing inwardly, he proceeded to draw an apple on the board, the marker squeaking noisily as he did. After adding a few notes to the board, he stepped to the side, and instructed, "Now, copy down these notes and diagrams as proo--…"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Annoyed at the interruption, Athrun demanded, "Shinn Asuka, what do you find so hilarious?"

"Is that supposed to be an apple? It looks like you drew someone's ass!"

And sure enough, if one took the time to discriminate, it looked more like some one's rear end more than a juicy apple. Now that the rest of the group was aware of this perspective, Vino and Youlan joined in Shinn's hearty laughter, while Lunamaria was trying to stifle her giggles. Who knew the infamous Athrun Zala was so horrible at art? Meyrin, who attempted to keep a straight face, soon found herself giggling as well.

Enraged at their reactions, Athrun stormed out of the room to contact the Captain of the Minerva, Talia Gladys. He was going to have them punished, if anything.

"Captain Gladys, ma'am."

"At ease, Athrun. What's the problem?"

"During the lesson you asked me to teach, the others began to mock my drawing of an apple!"

"Mock your drawing? Lead me to the classroom."

"Ma'am!"

Upon arriving at the destination, Captain Talia Gladys heard endless fits of laughter, and occasionally, a few snorts. Raising her voice to address the situation, she began, "Alright, cease your laughter now and -- WHO DREW AN ASS ON THE WHITEBOARD?" Her original phrase changed as she saw the rather image of buttocks, enraged at such vandalism. This only caused the pilots and mechanics to laugh harder, faces red with amusement. Concluding that his 'picture' really did look like a bum, Athrun sighed again.

He was going to have to take some art lessons.

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**a/n:** So how was it...? If it wasn't good, tell me, 'cause I didn't feel it was that great. Reveiws were and still are appreciated. 


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